Standing on the Tower- and Leaping into the Flames

During my mini Smoky Mountain Walkabout, I had a Tarot Card reading from a very wise and intuitive herbal healer.  Apparently, I drew some very powerful cards, all relating to the feminine power and indicated a big change is on the way.

For someone who takes change like other people take vitamins, this isn’t a big shocker.  But apparently, I drew the mother of all change cards- the Tower. It was this tower with this little guy about to take one giant leap into the flames below.

Seems a little extreme, don’t you think?

But, it seems that the Universe may be right.  I feel this thing churning inside- well- I think we all feel this at some point in time.  This feeling that something big is about to happen- something that we hope we have the ability to recognize and act upon when it presents itself.  Where you stare down two paths and you choose the gnarly, twisty one that scares the piss out of ya, but you know the possibility of beauty exists along the way.

Upon returning to the beach, I decided to really take my card reading into account and look at my current situation and surroundings with a more positive spin- a spin towards my upcoming leap.

A young Palestinian girl dances at a Peace festival in Israel in 2007. One of my favorite pictures- such joy!

I embraced the feminine voice. This is a challenge for someone who proudly grew up as a tom-boy and swore off dresses until the 6th grade.  I’ve recently started reading several blogs by women in the online world that I admire- White Hot Truth by Danielle LaPorte , Escape from Cubicle Nation by Pamela Slim (I even bought her book, though I’ve never worked in a cubicle before) Colleen Wainwright of Communicatrix.com and Dyana Valentine.  Maybe this is part of the feminine voice my cards were indicating.

I purchased one chapter from Danielle LaPorte’s Fire Starter Sessions (yea, I could only afford one chapter at the moment- but am thinking of just eating peanuts the rest of the month to buy the rest) and watched the included videos- and there it was.  Someone, whom I do not know and have never met- telling me to embrace the feminine (not in those words). There was this person on this video telling me about the entrepreneurial tendencies, struggles and idiosyncrasies in a way that no other person had vocalized for me. Telling me it’s OK to be who I am.

Yea, I know, our moms and teachers tell us that all our lives- but we’ve blocked that advice out many decades ago.

I’m not a “self-help” person- I don’t watch Oprah and I don’t have a collection of Dr. Phil books (not that this is a bad thing- I just don’t go there).  For my self-help, I turn to Eastern philosophy and try to sprinkle my life with some Taoism.  So this type of video/book is different for me.  At first, I was a little uncomfortable with the whole thing.

A little Tibetan Buddhist treat I stumbled on while wandering the streets of Kathmandu.

Does this make my some flighty self-help wanna be listening to the advice of someone two thousand miles away on a computer screen?  Am I gonna be that “Don’t do this” poster-child who pissed her money away on business e-books, only to not have two pennies to rub together in 6 months? Yea, that’s my inner dialogue- can you see a few blocked chakras in there? My Tarot cards also mentioned a male voice fighting with my feminine voice- YOU THINK??

But then it all just clicked.  As I watched this powerful woman telling me to just embrace who I am and be what I am- the easy way- to let grace unfold and just manifest itself through my work, I thought, “Why the hell not!  She’s totally right!”

And I’ve felt like I’ve been sitting on a fire ever since. Like I’m about to truly take that leap off my tower and just fly out into the world.  Guess she doesn’t call those the Fire Starter Sessions for nothing.  She also sells note cards that say “Fan F*cking-tastic” so this isn’t your run-of-the-mill-warm-and-fuzzy-shit.

These readings have really brought into question what I do and who I am.  As a creative being and an entrepreneur, I want to be everything, I want to do it all.  And as soon as I figure something out, I want to learn something new. This is a blessing and a curse.

So in doing this internal audit, I am forced to ask- what is it that, if everything else were to go away, I would want left behind? What is it that I’m truly gifted at?  How can grace present itself through me- with the most ease? And, as I have done throughout my entire adult career, I come back to photography.  It’s always about the camera and the image.

And here I sit, with a brand new (new to me) shiny camera that sends jolts of electricity and glee when I press the shutter (I don’t like most of my digital cameras- actually none of them- so this is a big deal for me) and hopefully by the end of September, I’ll have enough cash flow to truly head out into the world again.

In working with this new content, a reoccurring theme is presenting itself as well- charging what you’re worth. Due to insecurities, occasional low self-esteem and a blocked chakra or two, I don’t charge what I’m worth.  I never really have.  So, last night, I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning writing my rates page.  I am going to charge what I’m worth. Period.  And I am talented enough to charge these rates.  Period.  Ahhh, so liberating.

So, while I realize this article is rambly and really just about me, I thought I’d give you a peak into the mind and thought process of an artistic entrepreneur- and let you know that it’s OK to have such insane questions in your head.

We struggle to fight off the mediocrity that sucks the creative being out, we fight for the confidence to make the right decisions, and- every so often- we stand at the top of the Tower- look into the flames below and leap.